Where was I? I just rediscovered this blog thingie, and decided I needed an outlet, and it’s 10:30 pm and my thyroid medication is zooming along brilliantly, and I’m sixty years old and wondering how long this thing is going to go on. The blog, I mean.
So, as of now, it’s December 16th of the year of our Lord 2016 and here we all are. Trump won — first presidential candidate I ever voted for who won, and like I said I’m a sexagarian to boot. Sadly, all my liberal compatriots (I’m not sure what else to call the annoying self-righteous smug assholes who surround me here in the liberal utopia that is San Francisco in all its filth and shame and pity and horror, sheesh, where was I?) um … perhaps I should start again anew, like the country after a fairly won election. Which actually just happened.
Anyway, in many ways my life is better than ever, a generous raise and bonus just having been handed to me today at work, which follows panting heavily after my return from two and a half months and four days of disability leave (that pesky thyroid of mine). This means that, so far, I have been paid in full, including very large 401k contributions throughout my entire disability, and have heard nothing but extremely nice things from my employers. To boot, they’ve just given me a (second in three years!) gift at the Christmas party, which I declined to attend for the third year in a row, a gift consisting of a very expensive weekend for two at a pricey spa resort in southern California, yowsa.
In short, they spoil me rotten. Meanwhile, Trump won! Castro died! It’s been a great end of year holiday season, hasn’t it?
I’ve learned to answer the question, “I guess you’re kind of depressed like everyone else?” by looking down, shuffling my feet, sighing and saying, “Yes, Leonard Cohen dying was something I’ve had to come to terms with.”
Fuck their feelings. Leftists don’t understand that, right now, at the end of 2016, they’ve become the reactionaries. What they also don’t understand is that the revolution was a rightist one, which means nobody gets stood up against walls and shot. As Richard Conti said in The Godfather, “After all, we are not communists.”
Also, my wife got this “yuge” raise. Now, between the two of us (I got a raise, she got a raise, all God’s chill’en got raises) we make a pretty large amount of money between us. In addition, the state just decided that I was really really sick for the past three months and therefore granted me a large wad of cash for the privilege.
Perforce, therefore, in a sort of overwrought Merchant of Venice fashion, we find ourselves in the position of having frightful amounts of lucre lying about, or more accurately leaping about in stock markets and various trust funds and savings accounts. Hmm.
What it means is that my beloved and myself are the wealthiest members of both families, with the exception of my mother-in-law, who is ostensibly still a multi-millionaire, in spite of herself, God bless her and keep her. Our strategy for living here in the liberal hell of San Francisco is starting to pay off. There are four tactics that have served us well. To wit:
- Find a rent-controlled, comfortable apartment in a decent neighborhood with a landlord who is young enough to outlive you. This is a pretty tricky tactic — it only works when a recession causes rents to drop enough to make it possible, and you also have to find a real sucker, er, I mean a real sweetheart of a landlord who is younger than you are and wants to hold onto a sure thing of reasonable rent income as opposed to hounding you out of your apartment in hopes of snagging bigger suckers than you. I know it’s complex, but try to keep up.
- Live cheaply and channel most of the inflated salaries you share into retirement accounts, savings accounts and don’t buy big ticket items like fancy cars or big expensive vacations, unless of course you budget for them, being the cheapskate you are. Important tactic!
- Stick to the plan. It’s important to be flexible when necessary, but stick to the original plan. Everyone likes to go to the party, but nobody wants to clean up afterwards, so stick to the plan. Yes, I know it sounds repetitive, but Stick. To. The. Plan. It’s important.
- Vote Republican. Think: Trump won the election only a month and a week ago, and so far the stock market has risen over 8 percent, the most impressive Wall Street reaction to a new president in America’s history. And he hasn’t been inaugurated yet. If you want to grow your own wealth, vote Republican. If you want to pay more taxes and spend your retirement years in poverty, vote Democrat.
And that’s why I’m 60 years old, still have all my teeth (if you count bridges), have no life-threatening conditions, can still show some life now and then, and still impress over-educated professionals into squeezing large denomination bills into my large and grasping claws each and every business day.
As Leonard Cohen used to say, Hallelujah.